TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, town Traditionally known for ancient culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed from the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely away from place. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, confident, let's have An additional put where American Adult men can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations failed beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: supply everyone a collection within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be delicate electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he should really cease using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the challenge, replied, "You realize, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping varieties a large Trump head obvious from Area, a attribute remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not just hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Functions


Probably the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where company may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Eternally."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is by now attracting consideration from Intercontinental investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll obtain 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD might have flip-down service."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even Trump Tower Damascus the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

Report this page